Summary: Our hero finds himself in a strange town where people seem to know who he is. Nothing makes sense in this world, where fandom characters and the actors who play them are interchangeable. Villains and heroes will collide. The fate of the world's most perfect character may rest in the balance.
A/N: This is completely messed up, but in a good way. I get that, and I embrace it. Enjoy, but don't take things too seriously. It's CrackFic, and it's supposed to be fun. No one gets bashed in this story, I promise. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own a single character in this story. They're all owned by the people who created them, to whom I am eternally grateful.
ACT ONE
I come to and immediately crank the wheel to the right, narrowly avoiding a downed tree blocking the road. I slam on the brakes and skid into a curb.
"What. The. Fuck."
I have no idea where I am or how I got here.
There's a shirtless dude over in the woods, just watching me. He looks pissed, like I'm the one who killed the tree. Squat, muscular, deeply tanned skin. He sports a mane of long hair that has to be a wig.
Swear to god the little motherfucker bares his teeth at me. Runs off, branches thwacking him in the face as he scoots through the woods.
I get out of the car, a tiny little Volvo that I have never seen before in my life. I drive an old
Chevy pickup I found on Craigslist. Got a good deal on it. Wish I had it now. There's no way this little egg of a car is going to help me move that tree. I doubt whoever owns it keeps a towchain in the back, anyway.
I try lifting the tree, but it won't budge.
"Need a little help?"
I turn to find the biggest dude I've ever seen standing by the Volvo. He looks like a football player, all muscles and sinew. He must be six feet, five inches tall and probably weighs 250 or more. He comes closer, smiling. I see he has golden eyes and pale white
skin, so smooth it looks like glistening marble.
He looks a little like my friend Kellan, but no. That's impossible.
"Uh, yeah," I say. "I have no idea what happened."
He gets right up on me, which is fucking weird. He's got this big smile on his face, like he's in on a joke I don't know about.
"What?" I say.
"What do you mean what? You're acting awfully fucking weird today. Talking with that goofy English accent, acting like you can't get that tree out of the way by yourself. What is up with you?"
He smacks me on the shoulder and I nearly collapse from his strength.
"Wait until I tell Rosie about this," he says as he bends over and grabs the tree. He hefts it like it's made of Styrofoam, which for a minute I think it must be. It is physically impossible, what I'm watching this monster do.
"How'd you do that?"
He's laughing. Wipes his hands on his pants.
"Where've you been?" he says. "Everyone's been worried about you. You just up and disappear like that? Man, that's some irresponsible shit."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't even know where I am or how I got here."
"You serious?" he says. "Oh, man. I've heard of this shit before, ambrosia or whatever you call it. We've got to get you to Carlisle. He'll know what to do."
He reaches for me, but I pull away.
"I'm not going anywhere with you," I say.
"Have it your way, man. But be careful out there. This is one fucked up town, Edward."
He darts off into the woods, following the same trail the shirtless guy had earlier.
I call after him. "My name's not Edward! It's Rob. Robert Pattinson."
ACT TWO
I climb back into the little Volvo and pull it away from the curb. Gun it like there's no tomorrow. The car's got pickup, that's for sure.
A road sign lets me know there's a small town up ahead. Forks: Pop. 3,545, it says.
Why does that sound familiar?
A blinking neon sign tells me there's a late-night diner up ahead. The i and the n are out, though, so it's flashing "D er."
I'm so hungry I can't think straight, so I pull in. I try to forget my encounter with the big dude, but it's weighing on me. He acted like he knew me. Called me Edward. Fucking strange. But somehow also familiar.
"Can I help ya, honey?" the counter girl says when I walk in.
"Just a table for one, thanks."
She gives me a look, quirks one eyebrow up. "Ooooo kaayy," she says.
What is it with these people?
"Do you have those little chicken nuggets that are shaped like dinosaurs?" I ask. They're totally my favorite food, so it can't hurt to ask.
"Uh, no. We got regular chicken fingers. You want those with some fries?"
"Sure. And how about some fresh-squeezed lemonade?"
"I'm sorry, sugar. There are no lemons in this story, er, I mean diner."
She runs off, back into the kitchen, I guess, when I hear whispering coming from a couple tables over.
"That's him. I'm sure it's him."
It's a table full of teenage girls. They all look away when I glance over and smile.
"It's OK," I whisper back. "I'm used to it. Do you ladies want an autograph or something?"
They giggle as one.
"No," says a girl with blond curls. She's smacking her gum. "We've just heard the rumor is all. None of us actually believed it. Not until we saw you walk in here."
Her friend whispers something in her ear and the blonde rolls her eyes.
"Gawd, I hate it when my mom is right," she says. Then she's up, tossing bills on the table. "Let's get out of here, guys. We have to tell Ashley. She won'teven believe it."
With that, the entire group exits the diner. I see the waitress setting my food on my table. She gives me that look again as I take my seat.
"What is it with this place?" I ask her.
Before she has a chance to respond, a guy and a girl get up from their table. They look nervous.
"All right, everybody be cool. This is a robbery," the guy says.
"Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!" the girl says, waving a gun around.
The dude starts moving around the room, taking customers' wallets and shoving them into a big garbage bag. When he gets to my table, I put my wallet in, but suddenly, something overtakes me. I whip out a gun I didn't even know I had. I start talking some
Bible shit, then point the gun square at his head.
"I want you to go in that bag, and find my wallet," I say calmly.
He's scared shitless, all sweaty and nervous. "Which one is it?"
"It's the one that says Bad Motherfucker."
He gives me the wallet back. I head outside and run smack dab into a throng of cops.
A/N You guys are so cool. Thanks for the reviews and the follows and the faves. You rock my world. I have all eleven chapters written. I expect to post every two or three days. No need to overwhelm you with all the goofiness at once. ;)
ACT THREE
The cops have the Volvo surrounded, so I keep walking.
"Edward. Edward!" one of the cops calls after me while the rest rush into the diner.
I keep going like I don't hear him.
"Edward. For fuck's sake, stop."
He runs up to me. His badge says he's the chief.
"Have you seen Bella?" he asks.
I have no fucking clue what he's talking about.
"She left last night. Didn't say where she was going. I figured she'd be with you."
I laugh. I can't help it. I run my hand through my hair, shake my head.
"Man, I don't know who this Edward is. Why does everyone keep calling me that?"
I try to walk away, but the cop puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes.
"Edward, I don't know what kind of game you're playing here, but it isn't funny. The goofy English accent. Walking away and pretending you don't hear me. Leaving your car behind.
"Bella's missing. Don't you even care?"
"Look, officer," I say. "I don't know who this Bella is, and I frankly don't care. I just want to get back to my place in L.A. Get this memory loss thing sorted out. Forget I ever saw this place."
"L.A.? What the hell are you talking about, Edward?"
As we're talking, a fucking elephant runs down the street. A beautiful blonde in a circus getup is chasing it.
"Rosie! Rosie! Stop!" she's screaming.
She looks over at me, stops dead in her tracks.
"Jacob! Thank god you're here. Rosie's escaped. Please, you're the only one who can stop her. You know you have a way with elephants. She needs water."
"Water for elephants?" I say. "I fucking give up."
I've had enough, so I just start running. I can't take it anymore. Edward? Jacob the elephant trainer? Who the hell do these people think I am? It's like they Remember Me.
I get about two blocks before the cops skid to a halt in front of me, blocking my way. "We found her," the chief says as he rolls down his window.
"Bella had broken into Jimmie's Music Shop over on Barton Avenue. She was playing a guitar to an empty store, Edward. Giving a concert. Please. Help me figure out what's going on."
I sigh, reach for the door handle. What else am I going to do? Maybe if I help him figure out what's going on here, he can help me, too.
"I'll do it on one condition," I tell him.
"Whatever you want, Edward."
"Stop calling me Edward. My name is Rob."
ACT FOUR
We're on our way to the music shop and the cop starts chatting me up.
"There were rumors, you know," he says. "The queen's people have been asking around about your arrival."
I have no idea what he's talking about, so I don't say a word.
"Alice had foreseen it, I guess. Started spreading the word. The Cullens were planning some kind of surprise party."
I'm stewing in the back seat. None of this makes sense.
"Are you hearing anything I'm saying, Edw-, er, Rob?"
"I'm hearing you, chief, I just don't get it. Yesterday, I was on Kimmel, promoting the new movie and all of a sudden I wake up in this godforsaken town and everyone's calling me Edward. I have no fucking clue what anyone's talking about."
He cranks the wheel to the right, pulls the police car over. "There's Jasper," he says. "Maybe he can fill you in."
I see a sullen guy with a mop of hair and the same pale, sparkly skin the big guy had earlier today. He looks at me with golden eyes and bares his fangs.
"You're human," he says, eyeing me. "I can feel it."
He reaches for me, but pulls his hand back at the last minute. "I can hardly resist," he says, and he runs off, holding his head in his hands as he navigates his way down the street.
Just then, a short, spectacularly beautiful girl with a pixie haircut and huge, golden eyes walks up.
"Oh, Edward," she squeeks. "We're all so glad you're home!"
She reaches in through the open cop car window and hugs me.
"Please," I say, sensing that I can trust this girl. "Can you tell me what the fuck is going on?"
"Yes," she says. "I knew this would happen. She opens the car door and plops herself down in the seat beside me.
"I'm your sister, Alice," she says, reaching out to shake my hand. "You're Edward Cullen. This here," she says, nodding at the cop in the front seat, "is Charlie Swan. He's your girlfriend Bella's dad."
Whoa. Mindfuck.
"I literally have no idea what you're talking about. I've never met anyone in this town before today, and yet everyone here seems to think I'm this Edward guy."
I don't mention that, somehow, all of it seems familiar.
ACT FIVE
We get to the music shop pretty quickly. Chief Charlie gets out, goes to the front door. He motions me over.
"You hear that?" he asks.
Sure enough, I hear a guitar wailing from inside the shop. There's a girl singing.
"I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby!"
She's actually really good, whoever she is.
We go in, and there she is over in the corner. Her back is turned to us, but I can see that she has dark hair, almost black, cut into a mullet. When she turns around, I am stunned.
I know this girl.
"Kristen?"
"Who the fuck are you?" she says.
"It's me, Rob," I say, part of my life coming back to me now. "You're Kristen Stewart. We're, uh, dating. Or we were, anyway. I'm not sure. I can't get a straight answer from anyone."
She smirks, looks me up and down like I'm some homeless guy who propositioned her.
"I don't go that way, if you dig me," she says, noticing Alice behind me.
"But that," she says, looking at Alice like she's a piece of meat, "that I could go for."
She struts up to Alice, grabs her by the back of the head and kisses her on the lips. Alice is reluctant, pulling away, but the girl is aggressive. Soon, they're locked in and the rest of us have no idea what to do.
She breaks the kiss. "I'm Joan," she says. "Nice to meet you."
Two cops come up to Charlie and break the stunned silence in the room.
"Rob," he says when they're through. "You and I need to talk."
We huddle in a corner, out of earshot of the rest of the people in the room.
"If this is about Kristen, or Bella, or whatever you want to call her, I think I can explain," I say.
"Forget about that," he says. "We've got much bigger problems to deal with. The Snowqueen is supposedly sending her Icedragons in after you. That's the rumor, anyway."
"Wait. That's the queen you were talking about? And she has dragons?" I say. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."
And suddenly it all clicks. I know why I've been sent here. The queen is a scapegoat. This, the elephant, the fact that everyone thinks I'm some guy named Edward.
"No problem, Charlie. But you've got it all wrong. The queen isn't the bad guy here. I don't have time to explain, but don't worry. I know just what to do."
I pause to think for a minute. There's no way we'll get the military involved, not this far away from a big city, not as quickly as we need to.
"OK, Charlie. I'll need three of your best men, heavily armed. A Mossberg 500 – 12 Gauge Pump Shotgun for me, and body armor. Lots of body armor."
A brilliant flash of light from outside shuts us all up.
A tall guy with cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass karate chops his way in through the window. Glass falls everywhere.
"I am Timecop Jean-Claude Van Damme," he says. "And you are all under arrest for disregarding the Universal Code forbidding time travel."
I have absolutely fucking had it. I snap. I pull Charlie's gun from its holster, spin around the back of him and fall to the floor while firing. I put one in the timecop's eye and two
in his chest before he hits the floor.
"Dammit," I say. "I wasn't even in that movie."
ACT SIX
Charlie and I head to police headquarters. He's already radioed in, and everyone's waiting for us when we arrive.
"It's Maleficent," I say to the gathering of cops. I know this because I dreamed it
"Who the fuck is Maleficent?" says one of them, a burly guy up front.
"It doesn't matter," I say. "What matters is that she's mean as a motherfucker. She thinks of herself as the Mistress of all Evil. She can teleport. She's very powerful."
They're all looking at me like I'm nuts, which maybe I am, when suddenly the door bursts open and in walks the most gorgeous group of white people I've ever seen.
"Edward," says the older guy, who I recognize as Peter Facinelli, the actor who plays Carlisle Cullen in the Twilight movies.
That's what I'm doing here. I don't know how it happened, but I somehow got sucked into the fanfiction world. All the other Twilight actors are here, too, but they don't seem to realize they're not the characters.
"Carlisle," I say, nodding. With him are "Esme," Elizabeth Reaser, "Emmett," Kellan Lutz,
"Jasper," Jackson Rathbone, "Alice," Ashley Greene, "Rosalie," Nikki Reed and "Bella," my Kristen, who is apparently confused and has showed up in the wrong fandom.
She nods at me like we're best dude friends.
"But what about the Snowqueen and her Icedragons?" the chief asks.
"Don't worry about her," I say. "She's off fighting Skeletor. Something about copyright and the whole 'Masters of the Universe' thing."
They nod soberly.
"So how do we fight this Maleficent?" the chief asks.
"She's deathly afraid of vampires," I say. "Especially sparkly vampires."
They all murmur in agreement, patting one another on the back.
I have no idea if it's true, but I need as many people as I can get. She'll be a formidable opponent.
"According to Wikipedia, she lives in the Forbidden Mountains outside of town. I think if we plan a surprise attack, we might catch her off guard. But if we simply wait for her to come into town now that I've arrived, well, let's just say that I don't think we'll make it out of here."
"OK," Emmett says. "When do we start?"
A door slams and everyone turns their heads.
"We start when I say we start."
It's Jake, Taylor Lautner, and he looks pissed. He's lost the wig and the growl, but none of his menace. He's still not wearing a shirt, and everyone stops for a moment to admire his six pack. You've got to admit, it's quite impressive.
"If anyone's going to save this town, it's me," he says, glaring at me.
I just laugh.
"It's cool, Jake. No worries. You can join in, no problem. But be aware: Maleficent isn't afraid of wolves."
I smirk just for the hell of it.
ACT SEVEN
We head off to battle. It's me, a dude who thinks he's a werewolf, a half-dozen people who think they're vampires, a girl who thinks she's a rock star, and a guy who thinks he's the chief of police in a small northwestern town.
There's no way we can lose.
The sun is finally rising when we set out in Charlie's Chevy Suburban. There's a chill in the air and everyone bundles up over their body armor. Except Jake, of course. He's still shirtless.
It takes us nearly an hour to reach the Forbidden Mountains. When we arrive, there's a girl with shockingly pink hair hanging out, as if she's been waiting for us.
Jake jumps from the car before it's even come to a complete stop.
"Lava Girl?" he says, a huge smile crossing his face. "Wow, you've really grown up."
They embrace, and Jake/Taylor/Shark Boy takes her face in his hands. He looks deep into her eyes, and I have to admit, it's a bit uncomfortable for all of us.
"I've missed you," Lava Girl says, and they begin to kiss. At first it's sweet, but as their panting becomes heavier and they begin to slobber, it's all I can do not to puke.
"Uh, I hate to break up your reunion," I say, "but we've got things to do."
"Sure, sure, Rob," Taylor says, approaching me. He leans in and whispers. "I've always had the hots for her, you know?"
Without another word, we start heading up the mountain, a posse unlike I - or probably anyone in America - has ever seen. I lead, hefting the shotgun, while Charlie takes up the tail.
The other actors are all armed with unloaded weapons that Charlie borrowed from the police weapons cache. We don't want any of them to get hurt.
We're near the top when we come to a plateau and I motion for everyone to stop. We all rehydrate, except for Bella/Kristen/Joan. She's got her earbuds in and is rocking out. I go up to her.
"Do you still think you're Joan Jett?"
She blinks. "Um," she says, looking down, her fists clenched. She looks up, blinks thirty seven times, glances back at the crowd of people behind me. "Who are all these people, Rob?" She blinks again. "Um, where the hell are we?"
Thank God she's back, even though she doesn't know it yet.
"I don't have time to explain. Just tell me right now, What's your favorite movie?"
"That's easy, Rob," she says, rolling her eyes. "The Jungle Book."
And suddenly, I have a plan.
ACT EIGHT
We enter Maleficent's lair, no clue what we're doing.
Jake pushes past me and chest-bumps one of the guards. "We have business with her," he says, baring his teeth and - I swear - growling a little. "Let us in now or suffer the consequences."
The pretend vamps behind me eye the situation. I can tell they're getting antsy. Emmett looks positively pissed off, and Jasper can smell blood. These guards aren't human, but they're not deer or mountain lions, either. He's itching for a taste.
Suddenly, Maleficent herself bursts through a set of double-doors and into the clearing.
"Who dares enter my lair!" she bellows. She looks around, spots me among the crowd.
"You!" she says. She lifts her staff and points it at me. A bright flash of light blocks out everything, and I'm on the ground.
When I look up, I see that Jake has launched himself at her. He's grabbed her staff and is pounding her over the head with it. Emmett joins in, and he's quickly followed by all the other fake vampires.
Charlie is down on one knee, his police-issued revolver pointed at the evil queen. "Freeze!" he says.
No one is listening.
I know what I have to do.
"Mowgli," I say. "It is time."
The small boy climbs from his basket. Everyone stops what they're doing. It is as if time itself has stood still.
He approaches Maleficent, a python wrapped around his shoulders.
"Why do you bother thessssse people?" the python asks. "They mean you no harm."
She smirks and glares right at me.
"It is he who is the problem," she says, pointing at me. Jake and the vamps calm down, but they're wary.
"Me?" I say. "What have I ever done to you?"
"Edward Cullen is the perfect swoonalicious movie character," she says. "He's a bad boy, but he's also a good guy. He's dangerous, but in control. Incredibly sexy, but also chaste and respectful. Impossibly good looking and down-to-Earth at the same time."
She sighs, shakes her head.
"How can any character from any fandom live up to that ideal?" She begins to cry. "Tell me, you bastard! How?"
I'm stumped because she's right. I have no idea how to answer her. Edward Cullen is quite perfect.
"Yeah," she says. "That's what I thought."
With that, she tosses Jake and the rest of the guys hanging around her across the clearing. They bounce off the walls and collapse to the ground like sacks of potatoes.
She lifts her staff, and I am mesmerized by the pulsating blue light emanating from its end. She points it at me.
"It is with great regret that I destroy such a perfect human being," she says. A lightning bolt shoots from the end. But Jake jumps in front of it, just in time.
He falls to my feet, a charred hole burnt through his chest.
"She's right, you know," he says, blood running from one side of his mouth, his breath strained. "You are one hot motherfucker."
He takes his last breath and dies, right there in my arms.
Charlie calls a full retreat. I hoist Jake's body over my shoulder, and we high tail it out of there, defeated.
A/N Let us all shed a tear for poor Jake. *sheds a tear* Now, on with the cray cray.
ACT NINE
Back down at the bottom of the mountain, I lay Jake in the back of the Suburban and we all say a little prayer for him.
Bella/Kristen is pissed.
"That was your fucking plan?" she says, flailing her arms and stomping around. "A little boy and a snake? Seriously? You must be the stupidest person on the planet, Rob."
She's back. Fully back. I can't help but smile. But she's not done.
"I mean, sometimes? Jesus. If you can figure out to summon movie characters into this farce, why Mowgli? Because he's from my favorite movie? Get serious. Get Luke Skywalker. Batman. For God's sake, get Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger from the Terminator movies. But not the first one. I think he was a bad guy in the first one."
I run up to her and give her a huge hug. "Thank you, Kristen. You're a fucking genius."
I open the front door of the Suburban, and there's a green woman sitting there, a pointy black hat atop her head and a crusty old broom laid across her lap.
"The Wicked Witch of the West? God. For fuck's sake, Rob. She's a bad guy."
"No. She's not. Haven't you read 'Wicked' by Gregory Maguire? She's a really sympathetic character. A misunderstood girl named Elphaba Thropp. She's really quite enthralling, as well as wickedly dangerous."
I'm greeted by stunned silence.
"Listen, guys. I know this will work. I just know it. Trust me."
Carlisle has my back, as always.
"Edward here seems to know what he's talking about," he says, coming up behind me and putting an arm over my shoulder. "We should trust him."
We trudge up the mountain, though I don't sense a lot of support from the team.
Elphaba is quiet, almost sullen.
I approach, unsure what to do. If she isn't behind the effort, I don't know how this is going to work.
"What's wrong, Elphaba?"
She's crying, I see. Green tears hit the ground with a sizzle, as if they're made of acid.
"It's just, no one has ever needed me like this," she says. "I am honored beyond words. Believe me, Edward, I'll do you justice. I'm ready to kill this bitch."
When we near the top, Elphaba hops on her broom and whisks off. The vamps gang up on the guards and have them subdued in moments.
Elphaba opens the gate from the inside, and we sneak up to the doors. We know Maleficent is behind them.
"I summon the all powerful queen of the dark!" Elphaba bellows. "Come now and face your destiny!"
The doors burst open, and Maleficent stands before us. Behind her is the scariest thing I've ever seen: Voldemort and Darth Vader. They flank her like bodyguards.
This is not going to go well.
Maleficent is laughing maniacally.
Elphaba spits on the ground and wipes her chin with the back of her hand. She looks determined.
ACT TEN
Elphaba attacks at once. She hits Maleficent with a batch of flying monkeys and the bitch goes down.
Vader tries the hand to the neck thing, but it doesn't work. He sighs in frustration and whips out his light saber, slashing wildly at Elphaba. She blocks the move with her broom, but the saber slices it in half.
The vamps have pinned Maleficent to the ground and they're devouring her. Jasper, in particular, looks like he's having a good time. I don't have the heart to tell them they're only human. It would break their hearts. Besides, it's kind of sick, you know? I prefer not to think about it.
I go after Voldemort, who's swinging that wand around like he's batting clean up for the New York Yankees. I sidestep the wand and plow into him, knocking him to the ground.
Charlie gets off a shot, but it does no good, ricocheting off the Dark Lord's head.
Bella/Kristen is hovering in a corner, chanting "There's no place like home. There's no place like home" and clicking her heels together. I don't think it's going to work.
Elphaba has Vader pinned beneath her. She's got a knee on each side of his head as she straddles his chest, ripping out wires as she goes. She's reaching for the mask when Voldemort slips from my grasp, grabs his wand from the ground and thwaps Elphaba with a blast.
Her hat goes up in a poof of smoke, and her hair catches fire. She's screaming when Vader gets up, all seven feet of him. He stomps on her head, which at least has the effect of putting the fire out. It's a damn shame though, to see her brains leaking out into the ground like green oatmeal. I'd pause for a moment to honor her memory, but there's no time.
I tackle Vader to the ground and, why not, launch for his neck with my non-fangs. But all I get is a mouthful of mask. It's not pleasant. I may have cracked a tooth.
Voldy, meanwhile, has reanimated Maleficent into some kind of princess queen zombie. She looks, frankly, terrible. But she's tough. She rips Rosalie's head off in a single swipe. Alice, who'd apparently seen it coming, is already screaming. Jasper wipes blood from his face with the back of his hand, a maniacal grin covering his face.
"You want some of this?" he screams. He tears his shirt off, and soon, so do the other vamps. Emmett, Carlisle and Esme, shirtless, fighting the dark queen, blood running down their chins.
Damn, I wish I had my phone with me. This shit is begging for an Instagram filter.
Jasper launches himself at Zombie Elphaba, knocking her to the ground once again. Vader tries to pull him off, but the rest of the pack pounces on him. They've nearly got his mask off when Elphaba regains consciousness. Just in time, too, as Voldy is about to go to town.
Struggling to her feet, Elphaba grabs the two halves of her broom and begins beating Voldemort over the head with it. Apparently, she's fighting everyone now. He shrugs them off and a flash sparks from the end of his wand. The entire lair is overtaken by a powerful burst of light, knocking most of us unconscious.
When I come to, the villains have retreated, the vamps are huddled in a corner, Charlie is comforting Bella/Kristen, and Elphaba is dying in a circle of green, acidic blood.
I have no idea what to do now. But I'd better think of something quick. I hear the two dark lords coming.
ACT ELEVEN
"What happened," Charlie says.
"She just wasn't strong enough," I tell him. "But she fought like a champ. She just didn't have that, I don't know, special spark, you know? It's like we needed someone more …"
"More YA," Bella/Kristen says.
"What do you mean?"
"Think about it, Rob. Darth Vader and Voldemort just happen to show up? What do they have in common, besides their evil, black hearts? They're both YA villains, dude. We need a couple of YA heroes to stop them."
"Or YA heroines," I say, a sly grin covering my face. "I know just who we need. Katniss Everdeen and Tris Prior, two of the most badass dystopian heroines ever created. They're both fearless, selfless and incredible fighters."
"Let's get 'em then," Charlie says.
An arrow zings over my shoulder, planting itself in the lair's front door. We all turn and see Katniss and Tris marching in through a cloud of blue smoke.
"Let's do this," Tris says, nodding at me.
I pound on the door with my fist. Emmett and Jasper join in, and soon the three of us are kicking it in unison. I can hear the old wood cracking when Vader's red light saber punctures the cracks. The beam slices into my forearm, but not deep enough to reach the bone.
"Move away!" Katniss yells.
She fires an arrow through the hole and I hear a thud, and then a groan.
We kick through the door to find Maleficent skewered through the neck, hanging from the wall. Vader is trying to get her down
Voldemort grins, points his wand at Katniss, and fires. But he didn't count on Tris's bravery. She dives, intercepting the flash. It strikes her shield and bounces off.
Vader joins his partner. They lock shoulders. There's an electricity in the air. A cool wind begins to blow. Lightning crackles. Vader's light saber begins to glow; Voldy's wand sparkles.
Katniss and Tris link hands, then reach out toward me. I'm confused, about to grab their hands when Bella/Kristen pushes past. The three ladies link arms and begin marching toward Voldemort and Vader.
"Put your weapons down, gentlemen, and we'll spare you pain," Tris says. "Choose to fight and you'll die grisly deaths."
Vader grumbles. Voldy laughs. They each lift their weapons in unison.
But the girls are too quick. Katniss fires off two arrows at the same time, while Tris flings a pair of throwing knives. Bella, not one to be left out, calls on her vamp skills and dashes ahead, reaching the villains just as the projectiles penetrate their thick skulls.
She leans down and whispers something in their ears as they lay on the ground side by side, both gasping for air.
"Avada Kedavra," Voldy croaks with his last, dying breath.
Vader mumbles something, and Bella/Kristen leans over to take off his mask. He's so pasty white he makes the crowd I've been hanging out with look like they just got back from a week in Cancun.
"Bella," he says. "I am your father."
She cracks up, starts laughing so hard she's doubled over, holding her belly.
Katniss and Tris come up behind her, laughing too.
"You know what, Charlie?" I say, putting my arm around the old man.
"What's that, Rob?"
"I should have known from the beginning. If you want a problem solved in today's story world, you call in the young, super-hot ladies to kick some ass."
-30-
A/N Y'all have made my first fanfic experience a great pleasure, and I thank each and every one of you for it. I expect to write some more CrackFic, as well as some stuff that will actually make sense. I hope the response I got here continues.
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